We’re still here, but on hiatus — I seem to have helped create a small human being, which requires a tremendous amount of attention.  Fortunately, it’s the deep offseason, so I’m not missing much here, and normal service will resume as we get closer to the season.

Just an FYI, so it doesn’t look like I’ve just given up altogether.

Look, I don’t want anyone to lose their job. If losing one’s job was a wonderful thing, I wouldn’t have missed so very many days of posting here as I try desperately not to lose mine. (I know it comes as something of a shock, but offering up half-baked, grouchy thoughts about the Redskins and the sports media is NOT my primary source of income.)

But this … there’s a little bit of vindication in this. A little bit of schadenfreude. In case you can’t be bothered to click, here’s the headline:

BEARS CUT ADAM ARCHULETA

For those of you who don’t remember, here’s the quick and dirty summary, without the benefit of fancy “links” or “cited sources” (or, quite possibly, “correct information”). Archuleta was drafted by the Rams in 2001, and — being white and a safety — was immediately compared to top-notch white safety John Lynch, then of Tampa Bay and now of amusing NFL Network commercials (and the Denver Broncos). Archuleta never played much like Lynch, but did continue to be white.

After the 2005 season, he was considered the highest rated safety available in free agency, so of course the Redskins had to have him. The other team in pursuit of him was the Chicago Bears, whose coach, Lovie Smith, had been Archuleta’s defensive coordinator in St. Louis. Arch Deluxe (as he came to be called on La Canfora’s blog) wan inclined to sign with the Bears, but Dan Snyder’s winning personality (and/or his enormous checkbook) won him over, and he signed with the Redskins without any particular regard to whether he fit into then-D-coordinator Gregg Williams’s defensive schemes or not. Predictably, he didn’t.

By the end of the year, he was a special-teamer, replaced in the starting lineup by one washed up veteran or another. (I think it was NFLPA players’ rep Troy Vincent, but it could just as easily have been Pierson Prioleaux or Brad Edwards or Alvin Walton or any number of people who really shouldn’t be starting on a pro football defense anymore, and I can’t be bothered to look it up.)

This was viewed as a disaster for the Redskins. “SEE?!?!?” the talking heads shrieked. “THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU JUST THROW MONEY AT A GUY AND HE DOESN’T JUST PLAY BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU AND THE COACH AND THE TEAM AND AT LEAST THREE INDIVIDUAL FANS!!!!!!!!!!”

The Redskins traded him for a sixth round pick (which, also predictably, they wasted, in this case on Carson Palmer’s younger brother, who is probably currently an insurance agent somewhere), and were mocked for this. “OMG,” said the talking heads who spoke in txt, “they paid him a trillion dollars and now they only got a sixth round pick.”

The predictions, as I remember, were that being reunited with his old coordinator would rejuvenate Archuleta’s career. That it would become clear just how Gregg Williams’s rigid schemes had restrained Archuleta’s natural ability. That he would FINALLY become the white John Lynch!

So, yeah. Schadenfreude. Was it a good signing? No. Was the reason it wasn’t a good signing because the coaches were too stupid to figure out how to use him? Apparently not. Should they have used the sixth round pick on someone other than Jordan Palmer? Yes. Is Adam Archuleta even the most irritating Archuleta to have his name in the news today? Most emphatically not.

Still and all, this makes me feel somehow satisfied, and that feeling in turn makes me feel like a failed human being. I promise to try to get over this weakness by the time the season starts.

At least he was a Sean Taylor fan (starts at about 0:33):

They’re taking the best player available on their board at each slot. This is tough to argue with — they got two first-round graded WRs, and one of the best TEs in last season’s NCAA, all with second round price tags. Nice to have gotten not one but TWO of the WRs that were mentioned — now if one of them pulls a Desmond Howard, there’s some redundancy.

Yes, I’m talking myself around to it. Tomorrow I’ll put in on redskins.com for my Malcolm Kelly jersey, I’m sure.

Meanwhile, in other draft news: Keyshawn Johnson’s outfit is literally the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen.

And they just showed Brian Brohm after being drafted by the Green Bay Packers, and he looks eerily like Brett Favre already. Look at that. He looks just like a kid out there. Just in it for love of football.

Aaron Rodgers is SCREWED.

So the first pick is a one-year wonder wide receiver with “too many drops” out of Michigan State. Gosh, I wonder who in the Redskins front office is notorious for always wanting to draft a wide receiver early in the draft. Hey, who’s that sitting next to the pick? Oh, it’s Drew Rosenhaus! What a complete and utter shock.

Great pick. Really. I look forward to the next one, which maybe someone other than Dan Snyder will be allowed to make.

I’ll have more detailed thoughts on the draft tomorrow morning — they’re still crystalizing, you know. (That is, I’m hoping to have as much information as possible before I go on record with anything, so I don’t look like a complete jackass.)

But I didn’t want to deprive anyone of their music today, so here are a couple of songs that I know very little about, and that almost certainly aren’t actually about the National Football League draft.

The Nova Saints are from Bristol, and The Keene Brothers are one of about seventy-five million Robert Pollard side projects. So at least all six of you who are fans of both Guided By Voices and the NFL Draft finally get to have both itches scratched in one handy blog post.

Enjoy.

The Draft, by The Nova Saints
Beauty of the Draft, by The Keene Brothers

Read our Media Disclaimer

………………..

Apparently, Laveranues Coles has decided to join the queue of receivers unhappy with their contracts. The Redskins should totally offer a first and a third for him — I bet he’d fit right in here. Here, let me crudely photoshop him into a Redskins uniform to see what it would look like…

Apologies for the lousy job with Photoshop.

Time was, only complete no-life loser obsessives like me watched the NFL Draft. We’d settle in with a whole bunch of beer and pizza and nachos and other stereotypically male-with-no-life food and watch as Mel Kiper explained the universe in simple, easy-to-understand terms. We’d admire Kiper’s hair, Chris Berman’s facility with puns and seeming ability to predict the picks almost every time. And, every fifteen minutes or so, wise old Paul Tagliabue would walk out and soothingly read the name of another soon-to-be-incredibly-rich young man.

It was a glorious time.

Things have changed, though, and suddenly the NFL Draft is big-time TV. People actually WANT to watch it — normal people, who should have something better to do! This means that the crowd gathered around your TV might not all have already worked out full seven round mock drafts. They might not recognize some of the schools the players come from, let alone the players themselves. It is possible that some of these guests might not even have watched ONE SINGLE HOUR of pre-draft speculation and prognostication.

These types of guests are a constant risk to lose interest in what’s going on on-screen. They want to talk about insignificant things like recent TV shows, or their “children,” or the “recession and mortgage crisis”. This is not acceptable draft party behavior. Every day of this year is Recession Day, but only one day is the 2008 NFL Draft. And it demands total, unswerving attention.

To that end, we’ve developed this handy 2008 NFL Draft bingo game. Fun for everyone, and guaranteed to force even the most tedious reteller-of-recent-NPR-stories to focus on the awesome majesty of Todd McShay and Mel Kiper slap-fighting over the second-best QB in the draft.

We’ve tailored this one to the ESPN broadcast, partially because it’s the only one that’s available to us in HD, but mainly because it’s by far the easier one to make fun of in buzzword bingo fashion. Here’s a sample card:

And here’s a downloadable PDF of ten further variations, because what good is bingo if everyone has the same card?

Coming next: we tell you how to improve your food and beverage selection, and how to select better friends.

It has been argued that reposting IM conversations represents the lowest form of internet “humor”. Oh well. Let’s see what average Redskins fans think about the idea of possibly giving up two first round picks for the right to make Chad Johnson more than the second-highest paid wide receiver in football.

Let’s start with my buddy PJ, who gets the friend-level scoop on this one. (Do other people do this — note which friends spotted an interesting news story first — or is it just me?)

PJ: : http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3358557
Me: Well, thank god the Bengals are morons.

Then I turn around and pay it forward to a couple more friends. Let’s gauge their reactions! Poker, what do you think?

Me: What are they DOING? http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3358557
Poker: that is horrible!
Me: Seriously.

Fair enough. How about you, Chak?

Me: http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3358557
Chak: jesus
Me: No kidding.

Huh. Well, what about a contributor to this here blog? El Dos?

Me: http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3358557
El Dos: I already saw that from PJ and on PFT

Jackass. Let’s go call my buddy Dave out on the west coast and get his thoughts. I’ll transcribe as best I can as he talks.

Me: Hey, what would you say if I told you that the Redskins had offered their first round pick this year plus a third-rounder conditional to a first next year for Chad Johnson?
Dave: Wait, what? I saw on the Insider that they offered something, but was it that much?
Me: That’s what ESPN is saying.
Dave: That’s ridiculous is what I’d say. Jesus Christ, that’s just — gah. [incoherent mumbling] It’s like, hey! Dan Snyder party time again. [more muttering bordering on ranting, including something about who needs nine picks anyhow] Jesus.

Well, that sums it up pretty well, I think.  I’ve got nothing further to add to the subject that I didn’t already say more clearly months ago, but I will reiterate that Chad Johnson is 30 years old, not even the best WR on his current team, and an enormous distraction for anyone, let alone a rookie head coach.  Maybe this is some sort of ploy to let the Lions know how much they’re willing to give up for Roy Williams or something, because this is just asinine.

That’s right — it’s “One man’s informed mock draft.”

The informed man in this case is Peter King, in case you were wondering. I’m not quite sure exactly who King (or, more likely, the unpaid college intern who has to write his headlines) is taking a shot at here. Most of the mock drafts I see are on CNNSI, right there next to King’s column.

(In fact, most of them this year have been written by King’s colleague Don Banks, and can I just take a moment to mention how pathetic it is that King has to drag out the “Donnie Brasco” nickname every time he alludes to Banks in a column? At least it gave me an excuse to take yet another completely unnecessary potshot at Banks. That’s something, I suppose.)

But by god Peter King is INFORMED, and his mock draft is based on that INFORMATION, not just on coffee as you might suspect, and not on (I suppose) pure supposition and wishy-washy flip-flopping, like Donnie Brasco’s mock draft versions 1 through (currently) 6.

Certainly not on a psychedelic vision brought on by overuse of hair care products, like Mel Kiper’s, nor on sheer puppy-like enthusiasm and a manic desire to please his ESPN masters, like Todd McShay’s.

Not on delusions of majestic grandeur, like The Draft King’s, and not on idle, masturbatory speculation, like all three guys over at CBS Sports. (Can’t you just imagine King, sipping on a double-tall nonfat half-caf almond latte with an extra shot at some airport coffee shop, scoffing at The Sports Xchange? “Jonathan Stewart to Arizona at 16? That’s PREPOSTEROUS!”)

And definitely, absolutely, under no circumstances, is Peter King’s mock draft based on the same combination of educated speculation, thoughtful research, Mountain Dew, nachos, and shut-in basement air that has informed the literally thousands of independent bloggers’ mock drafts. He has INFORMATION, by god, and you do not, and YOU ARE THE LESSER PERSON FOR IT.

Yep. Draft week has begun.